


Here x Not x There

by itiaskia



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Asphyxiation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Sharing a Bed, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29575080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itiaskia/pseuds/itiaskia
Summary: It's been two years since they were in NGL, but Gon still gets nightmares about the night they ran into Pitou.Luckily Killua is there to talk him through them.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 6
Kudos: 59





	Here x Not x There

_ It was dark, the fog covering the ground in a thick blanket. The moon was out, but there were no stars. Alone. Gon bent down to touch the grass; it was cold. The fog followed him, the longer he ventured into it, the thicker it got. It began to blend around him, hand reaching out into the thick of it, the moisture pooling over the edges.  _

_ And then he saw it.  _

_ The scene that would have plagued his memory had he ever truly laid eyes on it. Unfortunately, his mind went to the lowest places, filling in the gaps of what he knew with the worst possibilities.  _

_ Kite was there, before him, arm discarded to the side, clawing its way back to him. He wanted to run up, to shout, to speak to him just one last time. Everything was still and Gon was a mere observer of fate.  _

_ But it was futile anyways; Kite was merely a puppet held together by Pitou’s strings, and the closer Gon crept the less human he looked. Controlled by another creature, he wasn’t himself, more of a husk of what he once was. He didn’t deserve this. It should have been Gon left behind, not Kite. Anyone but Kite.  _

_ “You’re too late.” _

_ Pitou’s mouth crept into a sinister smile, deriving pleasure from inflicting misery. The scenery began to change, the fog parting as Pitou crept closer and closer, hands brushing against Kite’s battered body. Hands off. Please. Please.  _

_ “You want him back? I’ll give him right to you.”  _

_ And off was his head in one swift swipe, sent his way in a spiraled toss. Gon’s fingers wove through the strands of Kite’s white hair, brushing them out of his face as tears ran down. Unsure if they were his, or Kite’s, Gon dropped the head in horror, watching as it rolled its way back to Pitou.  _

_ “Don’t you want him?” _

_ No, he wanted to save Kite. He couldn’t fix him like this. Even Pitou couldn’t fix him. Pitou couldn’t fix him. Couldn’t fix him.  _

_ The anger inside him bubbled and brewed, but fizzled out, extinguished not by rationalization but guilt that there was truly nothing he could do. He was frozen in place. This was his personal hell, and he’d reached the last level.  _

_ “You couldn’t save him.” _

_ He wanted to yell at Pitou, he wanted to scream and shout, to avenge for what Pitou had done, but his mouth was shut. He couldn’t scream if he wanted to. Everything around him was swirling, caving in right into him as the focal point. He couldn’t focus on anything around him, but Pitou’s voice still reached him loud and clear through all the distortion.  _

_ “It’s all your fault.” _

_ “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Gon screamed internally as Pitou dangled Kite’s head in front of him, holding it in clear vision. Gon covered his ears as Pitou’s voice cackled around him in a malicious laughter.  _

_ “It’s certainly fun being this strong.” _

_ Pitou’s hands gripped against Gon’s neck, pinching at the windpipe. So this was it. It was comforting, in an almost sickening sense, that he would almost join Kite. Maybe then, he could apologize.  _

“Gon!”

Gon’s eyes snapped open as fast as he could. His heart was still racing fast enough for him to hear it in his ears and feel it all the way down in his chest, as if it were the only thing he could focus on. But nothing was happening right now. Pitou wasn’t here, Kite wasn’t here, no one was here. Except for Killua. 

His arms reflexively grabbed Killua’s hands, which were pinned onto his shoulders, the leftovers of an attempt to wake him up. His gaze softened slightly as he looked at Killua whose brows were knit into a confused worry. Killua lessened his grip, before sitting down on the bed next to Gon. He reached over to turn one of the lamps on, the bright light causing him to wince. 

“Killua? What’s wrong?” asked Gon, yawning. Killua sat on his knees, looking over at Gon as he propped himself into a half sitting position against the headboard. He fidgeted slightly, thinking about how to phrase his question. 

“You were twitching around in your sleep again, and you had this awful pained expression on your face, I had to wake you,” said Killua, before rubbing his eyes. “But seriously, are you okay?”

Killua only meant well, but that was just the thing. Worrying Killua over trivial things, he had much better to do with his time. Besides, he wasn’t a little kid anymore. It was honestly just embarrassing. 

“It’s nothing.” The lie stung through his tongue, the venom reaching back deeper into his mouth. Killua narrowed his eyes in disbelief. He rested his hands against Gon’s, the touch grounding him closer to reality. That’s right, Killua was here with him. Physically. It wasn’t part of the dream anymore, he was safe now. Gon felt his shoulders relaxing.

“You sure?”

When would he give up already! Gon slipped his hands out from underneath Killua’s, crossing his arms in defiance. He could take care of himself. But he couldn’t dismiss the effects, the slight tremor that shook through him, the way he chewed on his bottom lip, or the general unease he still felt. It was as if he were teetering on the edge, waiting for one swift push to drive him over. 

“Alright, fine. I’ve been having nightmares. Are you happy?” snapped Gon. Killua winced. He hadn’t meant for it to sound as hostile. 

“What? No I’m not happy you’re having nightmares, I just… You can talk to me. About stuff like this,” said Killua. “Do you not trust me?”

“Of course I trust you,” Gon said, softening his voice. He wasn’t mad at Killua, no, not like he was mad at Pitou. Killua was just trying to help, and he was still shaky, and everything had started to come out wrong and once it started it felt like it wasn’t stopping. But Killua was here, now, and ready to talk. 

“I… I didn’t want you to think I was weak. For having a nightmare.”

Gon wasn’t one to hold back his thoughts. Speaking what was on his mind was a skill of his. But if he could avoid it in unsavory situations, he would. This was one of those situations. The moment the words slipped out of his mouth was the moment he realized the floodgates were open. Once he riled up it took forever to calm him down. 

“Gon, having a nightmare doesn’t mean you’re weak-”

“It means I’m still not over what happened. It’s been two years, Killua. I can’t stop thinking about it. Every time I think I’m free, it plagues me. I can’t escape.” Emotions spilling out of his voice much like his tears, Gon gripped onto the pillow tighter. Killua didn’t understand. He wasn’t weak like he was, he didn’t succumb to nightmares and the past. Killua wanted to look to the future, to have new experiences. He used to be an assassin, and a good one at that, but he seldom brought it up. It didn’t define Killua. 

So why did this have to define him? Why couldn’t he let go of his past? Killua could do it. He made it look so easy. He had everything under control. Oh, what he would give to be as collected as Killua was. 

But Killua was silent, deep in thought. He eventually spoke, in a forced voice. 

“I get them too.”

Killua didn’t look at him. Maybe it was discomfort with Gon’s behavior, the angry frustrated mess that he had displayed. Maybe it was the fear that Gon would reject him for trying to reach out. 

Or maybe this was a feeling all too real to him. 

“I get them about my family, sometimes. And other times, about the palace invasion, and the night you…” Killua’s voice trailed off. It was an unspoken topic, after all these years. There was a silent mutual agreement never to bring it up. Most memories had their good parts and their bad, but there was nothing but pain and suffering associated with that one, like an emotional black hole. 

“Why didn’t you tell me then?” asked Gon, slightly calmed. The tension in the air had relaxed ever so slightly, but felt as if it were on standby, ready to tighten up again at a moment’s notice. Killua looked up at him, sapphire eyes glossy and genuine. 

“Same reason as you. I thought you’d think I was weak.”

The words resonated through him, striking a chord. Killua wasn’t weak at all. He was one of the strongest people Gon knew. And having nightmares wouldn’t make  _ him _ weak. Why would he think that!... 

_ Oh. _

Gon gripped the sheets tighter, ashamed at his impulsivity and temper with Killua. Why hadn’t he just trusted him outright? 

“I don’t think you’re weak,” said Gon, knowing immediately what was coming next. 

“Okay, then it’s settled! You’re not weak for having nightmares either,” said Killua, giving him a playful shove on the shoulder. Gon gave him an awkward smile. “Do you want to talk about it, or…”

The words spilled out of his mouth before he could even stop them. 

“I can’t shake that night, with Kite, with Pitou… I just feel so  _ useless.  _ Pitou mocks me, constantly, and there’s nothing I can do about it,” Gon said frantically. 

“I felt useless on that night too,” admitted Killua, the weight of his voice sinking into Gon. “I keep thinking, over and over again, what if we had stayed? Could all three of us have defeated Pitou? Or worse, what if I hadn’t knocked you out? Would I have escaped by myself?”

Gon felt a chill go down his back. Would Killua truly have left him there? 

“No, you saved me, you weren’t useless, you-”

“You weren’t either, okay, we were both… we underestimated the ants; we panicked,” Killua said sharply. Gon nodded in acknowledgement. It was true. Defeating one or two ants was no problem, but Pitou was on a level that at the time, they couldn’t comprehend. The situation was far out of their control. Killua was right. He wouldn’t blame Killua; he shouldn’t blame himself. “And Kite, well, he’s just a phone call away. It’s gonna be alright, Gon.”

“Yeah…” Gon’s voice trailed off. Killua bit his lip as the two of them stared at each other in a bit of silence. 

“You know, you can talk to me about things,” said Killua, leaning in closer to him. “And I’d like to think I can talk to you about stuff too.” He hesitated, as if he were in deep thought for a moment, before leaning back away from Gon and over towards the lamp. 

Killua flipped off the light again. Knowing Killua, he was probably feeling awkward about being vulnerable and sharing his feelings; it made him feel a bit exposed as well. But Killua tended to keep most stuff bottled up inside, whereas he tended to share it. Gon felt Killua shift under the covers next to him, cozying up back to go to bed. 

He didn’t want to close his eyes. The nightmare may have ended for now, but there was no telling if sleep was his gateway back to hell. He found himself reaching out, and before he could stop himself, he was pressed up against his friend. 

“Is this okay?” Gon wrapped his arms around Killua, the warmth of the other boy radiating out as if it were a source of security. Killua was comfortable, more comfortable than he imagined, as if he just fit perfectly next to him. 

Killua squirmed slightly, but made no effort to break out of the hug. 

“Huh?”

“You remind me I’m here, and not there.” Gon’s cheeks flushed into a pinky red, burying his face into the crook of Killua’s neck so he couldn’t see. 

“Gon...”

Killua’s voice sounded soft, muffled. 

“What, it’s true,” said Gon, nuzzling closer. Killua relaxed a bit, as if he finally accepted the affection displayed towards him. Gon knew Killua had a hard time verbalizing his feelings sometimes, but he respected it nonetheless. 

“We’ll remind each other,” he said, resting his hand on top of Gon’s that crossed his chest. “Goodnight, Gon.”

“Goodnight.”

**Author's Note:**

> [Special thanks to ughtenal for beta reading!](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ughtenal)
> 
> Let me know if you liked it :)


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